Marriage Counselor – Improve Your Marriage by Reacting Differently (Part 2)

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Marriage Counselor – Improve Your Marriage by Reacting Differently (Part 2)

[This is part 2 of this 4 part article.  It is recommended by marriage counselor fort myers and marriage counselor naples].

It is important to establish a greater sense of self within the “I-we” dynamic of a marriage.  In the case of Jane and John, that would be accomplished by (a) Jane’s establishing clear boundaries for the words and behavior she will accept from John, and then (b) responding differently when John violates those boundaries.  Instead of diagnosing what’s wrong with John, Jane should use being emotional upset as a signal that she needs to clarify things about herself.  She should ask herself, “What can I live with?  What can I accept?  What do I no longer want to accept?  How will I act/react differently when John says or does things I no longer want to accept?”  Jane needs to put greater emphasis on the “I” in the “I-we” dynamic instead of becoming overly immersed in the “we” of that dynamic.  In the latter case, blame became the natural response because she has been too dependent on John to change instead of acting like an equal partner and make changes on her own.  Rather than telling John he has a problem, she should recognize that she has a problem that she needs to address.  Marriage counselor estero agrees.

Jane herself can end the “complaint – non compliant response” cycle.  Instead of blaming John for not changing, she can begin to alter her pattern of interaction with John.  That is to say, if she acts/reacts differently to John, chances are, John will act/react differently to her.  The circle of interaction will be different because Jane chooses to assert herself and break out of her existing reactive pattern.  If John loves Jane and wants to be with Jane, he will adapt his behavior accordingly.

To Illustrate

Marriage counselor cape coral and marriage counselor bonita springs suggest that you consider the following illustration.  John is a homebody.  Jane likes to socialize.  For the last two years, Jane has asked John for a weekly date night.  John has only accommodated on a monthly basis.  In recent months, Jane has been complaining to John that they spend too much time watching TV and don’t get out enough.  This often ends up in a fight.  Johns’ rationale is that after a long week at work, he doesn’t want to socialize.  He is happy with things as they are.  Jane finally comes to the conclusion that this is her reality.  [This illustration is continued in part 3 of this four-part article]

Dr. Ken Newberger, Ph.D., Conflict Analysis and Resolution serves clients in Southwest Florida and the cities of Fort Myers, Cape Coral, Naples, Bonita Springs, Estero, and surrounding communities.  If you live in this area and are looking for an alternative approach to traditional marriage counseling,  call him for a free phone consultation after you review the process he follows found on:


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