A number of years ago award-winning author Philip Yancey and world renown surgeon, Dr. Paul Brand, co-authored a book entitled, "Pain: The Gift Nobody Wants." For many readers, it transformed their view of pain from something to be abhorred to something to be grateful for. It is a message that married couples ought to take to heart.
Here is the background to this startling conclusion. Dr. Brand worked with leprosy patients in India and America for the majority of his adult life. Leprosy (Hansen’s disease), it turns out, represents an attack on the nervous system. Pain that would otherwise warn individuals that they are in physical jeopardy does not exist. They feel nothing.
In poorer regions of the world, rats chew fingers and toes while a person is asleep. Hands are burned in a cooking fires because there was no warning signal to tell the brain to immediately move the hand. Equally grim stories of deterioration are found in wealthier nations as well. Although the details are different, a pain-free existence becomes a living hell for those who contract the disease.
In an attempt to combat the loss of physical feeling, Dr. Brand and his team of specialists received a grant from the U.S. government. Their goal was to create an artificial system to warn of danger. Audible signals, blinking lights, and other innovations were tried, but to no avail. Leprosy patients would either ignore the painless, sometimes annoying signals, or simply turn them off, all of which resulted in greater physical damage. The truth is, nothing grabs one's attention like pain does. After five years of work, thousands of man-hours, and millions of dollars spent, the project was abandoned. Though nobody wants it, Dr. Brand concluded that pain is God’s gift to us. It compels us to take corrective action for our own good.
In marriage, what should you do with emotional pain that doesn't go away? Ignore it? If so, for how long? Try to escape the pain through alcohol, drugs, infidelity, gambling, binge TV watching, and a host of other emotionally numbing activities. If so, for how long? Masking the problem only provides temporary relief. All the while the relationship continues to deteriorate.
Pain may be an experience that nobody wants but our lives are better for it. It seizes our attention and compels us to respond. When marriages falter, wise couples take deliberate steps to address the pain in their relationship before they lose that loving feeling altogether.
Compared to other self-help marriage communication tools, the Conflict Analysis Tool is uniquely designed to: (a) interrupt your cycle of conflict, (b) uncover your root issues, (c) offer you fresh insight on how to make your relationship work, and (d) furnish practical exercises that will strengthen your marital bond.
Keep in mind that for the CAT to make a difference BOTH of you must want to reconcile. If there is resistance to self-reflection, personal responsibility, or openness to changing the way you interact, then no couple's communication tool (or marriage therapist for that matter) will be of much help. The Conflict Analysis Tool will prove to be most effective when you both value your relationship, want to rebuild it, and are willing to make changes to achieve your relational goals. With such an attitude the CAT's price is low enough that you have little to lose and much to gain!