Chapter 5

How Do You Rebuild Trust in Your Marriage?

From Hope for Troubled Marriages by Dr. Ken Newberger

Scottish philosopher David Hume (1711–1776) told the imaginary story of two farmers who did not trust each other. Here is a modernized version of what he wrote:

Your grain is ready to harvest today; mine will be ready tomorrow. It would benefit us both if I worked with you today and you helped me tomorrow. But I feel no goodwill toward you, and I know you feel none toward me. So I will not go to any trouble for your sake. I know that if I did work alongside you, expecting you to return the favor, I would be disappointed. I would get nothing back. So I leave you to work alone; and you treat me the same way. The seasons change, and we both lose our harvests because neither of us trusted the other.1

Two farmers in the field who don't trust each other.

The benefit of joining forces was obvious to both men. What stopped them was fear of being taken advantage of. Someone had to go first, and going first meant carrying the whole risk alone. If I spend today in your field and you never show up in mine, I have lost a day I cannot get back, and I am the fool who trusted you.

By contrast, see what happened to a New York City hot dog vendor when he trusted his customers.

▶  Watch the brief video: a hot dog vendor who trusted his customers

Exercise

Make believe you and your spouse are the two farmers. Develop a mutually acceptable plan that would allow you to trust and work with each other in that scenario.

When you finish, answer this question: “How easy or hard was that for you to do?” Assuming you were successful, how might you apply this same approach to areas in your life today, especially if there is mistrust in your relationship?

The Five Components of Being Trustworthy 2

Read through each of the following components of being trustworthy. As you read them, answer the true / false questions associated with each component. The goal is to help you each become more trustworthy in the eyes of your mate.

Check the box beside every statement that is true of you. Leave the rest blank. Your tally appears at the end. Nothing is saved or sent anywhere — your answers stay on your screen. Use the print button if you want a copy to discuss together.

1. Be Honest

This means you tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. You do not lie or deceive.

2. Be Transparent

This means you don’t keep aspects of your life separate or hidden from your spouse. If your spouse asks you a question, you don’t keep secrets. You give the full story.

3. Be Accountable

This means you take ownership of your promises, obligations, choices, and actions. You take responsibility instead of blaming others when things under your control go wrong.

4. Be Loyal

This means you are someone your spouse can rely on unreservedly to be there for him/her when s/he needs your support. Loyalty means you continually promote your spouse’s good. You remain emotionally and sexually faithful. You protect his or her reputation with others.

5. Be Ethical

This means you and your spouse agree on the difference between right and wrong and you commit or re-commit to engage in what is right.

Your Trustworthiness Snapshot

You have checked 0 of 14 statements.

Every box you check points to an area where trust can grow. This is not a test you pass or fail. It is a mirror. The components with the most boxes checked are the ones worth talking about first.

The Heartbreak of Broken Trust:  The Backstory

An Extended Illustration Applicable to Marriage.

Introduction

Today, most parents take unrestricted visitation of their hospitalized children for granted. Many hospitals make provisions for a parent to sleep in the same room as their child. In a 2008 New York Times article, Dr. Howard Market observed, “at every children’s hospital across the nation, at just about any time of day or night, you are likely to see at least as many parents as patients.”

However, this was anything but the case throughout the 20th century until the 1960s in the United States, England, and other Western countries. Note the sign from Perth Children’s Hospital in Australia and its limited visiting hours.

A 1909 children's hospital sign listing restricted visiting hours

A 1954 New York City survey similarly revealed city hospitals restricted most children to only two or three visits a week, each lasting an hour. For children under five, this was devastating.

To get a bird’s-eye view of just how damaging such separation was, psychiatric social worker James Robertson gathered the first-hand accounts of British mothers who lived through this period.3 Here are some words they used to describe what became a gut-wrenching experience for their children:

Heartless, ruthless, torture, cruelty, terrible, brutal unhappiness, agony, dreadful, untold damage, disgusting, horrible, utter misery, heartbreaking, tragic, wrong.

Here are three in-hospital snapshots.4

We were still visiting about 30 minutes daily and the child, normally a happy, carefree, confident boy was becoming a nervous wreck. As soon as we appeared he would start clutching us, hanging on to us, beseeching us not to leave him, to take him home, etc., and when we left he looked wild and terrified… His screams followed us the length of the corridor.

A crying young child reaching toward an adult's hand

As we prepared to leave she would stand at the end of the bed, desperately trying to climb out… purple with rage and screaming with grief. We left her like that every day.

Four days in hospital, no visiting permitted: I could hardly believe it was the same wee darling boy. He had lost so much weight, his face was pinched and haggard as if he’d been so miserable, and he could do nothing but hang on to me and hug me tight. I’ll never forget his first words to me — “Mommy, I thought you were never coming back for me.”

The rationale for these brief encounters was that parental visits only upset the child. These visits became associated with the young child’s screaming and crying when the parent was getting ready to leave. Therefore, hospital staff discouraged such interactions because the child seemed to “settle in” when the parents were not present.

But research published in the 1950s and early 1960s demonstrated just the opposite. Parental visits didn’t cause the child’s unhappiness. They revealed the depths of the child’s pent-up misery caused by the separation. According to Robertson, “At visiting times, the facade [of being content] broke through to show that the small child needed more contact with his parents, not less.” This research was the turning point when parents staying with their children in the hospital became the norm.

These Children Felt Betrayed by Their Mothers

The result of tearing children away from their mother and putting them into the hands of strangers in a sterile and strange environment was traumatic. One mother described this experience from the child’s perspective as a “betrayal.” And indeed, many children returned home having lost trust in their parents, particularly their mothers.5

After returning home from the hospital these children exhibited a consistent behavior: they craved constant contact with their mother. Here is a sampling of what different mothers wrote.6

Since he has been home he won’t leave me…

When she came home (only after 5 days) I thought all would be well, instead she wouldn’t let me put her down to do anything, she wouldn’t go to anyone (not even her father), she was terrified I was going to leave her.

On coming home with him, he was very mistrustful of me leaving him even to go into the next room.

After a week, she turned against me, would scream at the sight of me and yet if I left the room, would scream harder until I returned.

After 2 months she didn’t let me out of her sight. She wouldn’t stay with anyone, even my parents.

She is always afraid of me leaving her with anyone again… Even if I go upstairs she always calls out to me or follows me. In her bed at night it is always ‘Hold my hand, Mummy.’ I can never convince her that I won’t leave her again.

She was delighted to come home with me, but would not let me leave her alone for a minute for some days, and only gradually allowed me to go out of the room for a short time.

Only lately [after 5 months] has she played with other children without coming back every few minutes to make sure we are still here.

She couldn’t bear me out of her sight and kept asking if I loved her… I had to stay with her every night till she fell asleep — a thing I’d never done before — and even now, 2 years later, she doesn’t like to be left in bed in a room by herself. She hated me even to speak to anyone else at first, and wanted my whole attention the whole time — which I gave her. Gradually she relaxed but it took a long, long time before she seemed secure again.

Now a year later I can say that we are quite normal again.7

Observations

One of the insights we can glean from the trauma these children experienced is the deep need for human attachment. When the bond broke, the drive to reestablish the connection became the child’s exclusive focus. Mothers needed to intensify how much time they spent with their son or daughter to compensate for the lost trust. They needed to stay in close proximity for a sustained period until peace and stability became the norm again.

Though none of the letters revealed the consequences of not making such an effort, one can only imagine the long-term damage that would have occurred to a child’s ability to trust again. In these cases, the parent needed to continually reassure the child that they were present and there for them.

The Relevance to Marriage

The need to bond is not something we grow out of when we become adults. It is a fundamental characteristic of all humans, from birth to death.

When trust is shattered, the responsible spouse must persist in trying to reestablish the connection of love and security with their mate. As with children, so with adults. In practice this means, if you are the betrayer of trust, you must:

  1. acknowledge the pain your mate is experiencing.
  2. give your spouse extra attention, care, support, and time to process the pain.
  3. be responsive to your spouse’s emotional needs.
  4. be patient as healing takes time.

Psychologist and relationship expert Dr. Susan Johnson captures the heart of it:

After all these years of working with couples, I now understand that the heart of the matter, the central issue in the marriage, rarely concerns the content of a couple’s arguments, but almost always concerns the strength and responsiveness of the attachment relationship they have. The bottom-line test of that relationship is in the answer to a fundamental question each is, in essence, asking the other: Are you really there for me…? 8

Rebuilding Trust When There’s Been an Affair

An older couple sitting on a couch in a tense conversation

Although infidelity is a cause for divorce, it doesn’t have to be. Infidelity also indicates the need for a big correction in the marriage. If both parties are willing, the affair can become the impetus for a major turnaround in the relationship. Getting there is the challenging part.

There is a large amount of literature written on this subject. Rather than be redundant and repeat sound advice, I am simply going to point you to a Reader’s Digest article9 that suggests the steps the betrayed spouse and the unfaithful spouse each need to take. Here is the bare-bones outline.

6 Steps for the Unfaithful Spouse

  1. Promise to stop the affair.
  2. Answer all questions.
  3. Show your spouse empathy, no matter what.
  4. Keep talking and listening, no matter how long it takes.
  5. Take responsibility.
  6. Don’t expect quick or easy forgiveness.

9 Steps for the Betrayed Spouse

  1. Ask lots of questions.
  2. Balance your rage with your need for information.
  3. Set a time limit on affair talk.
  4. Expect curveballs.
  5. Talk about how the affair has affected you.
  6. Don’t forgive quickly or easily.
  7. Find support.
  8. Spend time together without talking about the affair.
  9. Forgive only when you’re ready.

Of course, if the affair is too difficult to process on your own, this may be an area where you need professional help.

Key Takeaways

Questions to Consider

  1. Of the five components of trustworthiness listed above, which one has been the biggest problem for you?
  2. Go through each statement you checked, one at a time, together.
  3. Why do you think that area has been a challenge, and what would make you less resistant to being trustworthy going forward?
  4. What support do you need from your spouse to grow in this area?
  5. The separation between parent and child was short, yet its impact lasted far longer. When trust breaks in a marriage, what do you make of the advice to “just get over it”?
  6. Dr. Johnson says every partner is really asking, “Are you there for me?” Going forward, is that your intent?

An Exercise: Rebuilding Trust After an Affair or Any Broken Promise

Trust is not restored by an apology, however sincere. It is restored by a long series of small promises that get kept. What follows is a plan the two of you can start this week. The steps work for any breach of trust, not only an affair.

Set aside an hour for the first two steps and do them together in one sitting.

Here is one ground rule that protects this work from the start. The hurt spouse is free to raise the injury, but at an agreed time and for an agreed length of time, not at midnight, and not in front of the children.

Step 1 — One spouse speaks, the other listens

The hurt spouse speaks first. Say plainly what was broken and what it did to you. Be specific about the behavior and the damage, not the character. For example, “You told me the credit card was paid off and it was not. Now I check the statements myself, because I can’t take your word for it anymore,” rather than “You are a liar.”

The spouse who broke the trust says nothing in reply except to summarize what he or she just heard, until the hurt spouse agrees it was understood. No defending. No explaining. No “but you also…”

That silence will be hard. You will want to fill in what your spouse is leaving out. Hold it. Your turn comes in Step 3.

Step 2 — Four promises, one list

Both of you help build this list, but every promise on it is kept by the spouse who broke the trust. Two of them he or she proposes. Two the other spouse asks for.

Two you propose. If you broke the trust, look back at the boxes you checked and write down two specific, observable commitments. Observable means your spouse can tell whether you did it. “I will be more honest” is not observable. For example:

— “When you ask me a question, I will answer it the first time, even when the true answer makes me look bad.”

— “I will not let anyone speak about you in a way that disrespects you.”

Two your spouse asks for. If you were the one hurt, name two concrete things your spouse could do that would answer the question Are you there for me?  Not feelings, but actions. For example:

— “Come sit with me when I go quiet.”

— “Check in on me once a day.”

Four in all, and no more. A short list you keep does more good than a long one you break. Write them on one sheet, read them back to each other, and if any of the four cannot be kept, say so now rather than fail at it later. This is the list you will review every week.

Step 3 — The other spouse gets a chance to speak

Now it is your turn. Take it once steps 1 and 2 are done, or within a day if you have both had enough for one sitting. Then speak not to defend, but to explain.

The difference matters. Explaining is telling your spouse what you have been carrying and what has been hard for you. Defending is telling your spouse why what you did was not so bad. The first opens a door. The second slams it. Explaining does not reduce what you are responsible for.

Your spouse listens and repeats it back until you agree it was understood, the same way you did for him or her.

Step 4 — Twenty minutes a week, for ninety days

Same day, same time, every week. Three questions only:

1. Which promises did I keep this week?
2. Which did I miss, and what will I do differently?
3. On a scale of 1 to 10, how safe did you feel with me this week — and what would move it up one point?

That last question belongs to the hurt spouse alone. The number is not up for debate. It tells you how much ground you have made up, and how much is left.

When your spouse says a promise has been satisfied, remove it and add another in its place. A promise you are not yet fulfilling stays on the list.

Ninety days is not a deadline. Nobody forgives on a schedule. It is simply a point in time when you take stock. If the promises are holding, the meeting can drop to once a month. If they are not, you have ninety days of honest evidence, and that is worth bringing to a professional.

The exercise is over when the promises are no longer promises, but simply how the two of you treat each other.

A word to the one who broke the trust. You will grow tired of this long before your spouse does. You will feel the account should be settled by now. It will not feel fair. Recall the mothers in this chapter, whose children clung to them for months and asked, again and again, whether they were really back. Those mothers did not argue that the hospital stay was short. They stayed close and let the child take as long as the child needed. Do the same, and the day will come when your spouse stops checking.

And a word to the one who was hurt. At some point, the evidence will start to come in. When it does, let yourself see it and respond accordingly. Let your spouse’s actions give you the confidence to trust again.

trust restored - wife happily hugs husband

Endnotes

1 Adapted from David Hume, A Treatise of Human Nature (1740), Book III, Part II, Section V. ↩

2 Adapted from The Science of Trust by John Gottman and The Speed of Trust by Stephen M. R. Covey. ↩

3 James Robertson, Hospitals and Children: A Parent’s Eye View (International Universities Press, 1962). ↩

4 Cases 92, 73, 46. ↩

5 Cases 32, 30, 35. ↩

6 Cases 42, 33, 30, 31, 47, 44, 36, 48, 40, 35. ↩

7 It should be noted that the children whose parents were allowed unrestricted visitation in those relatively few hospitals that, at the time, allowed it did not experience the negative reactions described above. ↩

8 https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org/article/are-you-there-me ↩

9 See https://www.rd.com/article/15-steps-to-surviving-an-affair/ for a fuller description. (Ignore the distracting links embedded in the article.) This online article is excerpted from the book The 7 Stages of Marriage by Harrar and DeMaria. Two other resources I recommend are “Not ‘Just Friends’: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity” by Shirley P. Glass, and the shorter book, “How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful,” by Linda J. MacDonald. ↩

Struggling in your marriage?  There is hope.

Call Dr. Ken Newberger at 703-483-0031 to talk about your situation free of charge.  Or, if you prefer, learn about his unique process.

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