There is an Uncomfortable Feeling

Something doesn't feel right with your spouse. You may not be able to put your finger on it but you feel ill at ease.
Do you need a conflict resolution specialist at this stage?  No

A Problem in the Marriage Emerges

An identifiable problem has emerged. You are civil and respectful toward one another as you share your repective perspectives. Solutions are proposed and, in most instances, issues are resolved.
Do you need a conflict resolution specialist at this stage?  No

Disagreements Within the Marriage Increase

If the issue is not resolved, the conversation shifts from what is the best solution to a debate of who is right and who is wrong. This dynamic can escalate dissatisfaction and emotional hurt, as attempts to meet your own needs fail. If you each make an effort to accommodate the other's point of view, the conversation will likely be constructive. If not, you will see each other as stubborn or unreasonable, further straining the relationship.
Do you need a conflict resolution specialist at this stage?   Possibly

Attitude Hardens

As positive feelings fade, other issues surface, worsening the situation. Communication shifts from open dialogue with your spouse to complaining to other people about your spouse, deepening the division and polarization. Though it may be unintentional, the focus on "winning" creates feelings of disrespect and disconnection, intensifying the conflict.
Do you need a conflict resolution specialist at this stage?  Yes!  Go to the Help for Couples page.

Arguments Include Personal Attacks

You now feel alienated from one another as walls go up. Original issues become secondary. At this stage, the problem is no longer identified as a "communication" or some other issue. Rather, your husband/wife is "the" problem. An adversarial "me versus you" mentality sets in. Negative emotions take root. Selective perception fuels negative stereotyping. Your spouse can more easily be "written-off" as _____ (fill in the blank).
You view the other through an increasingly narrow filter of suspicion, exaggeration, and misperception. You justify your own less than ideal behavior as reactions to your partner or circumstances. By contrast, your partner's actions are attributed to his or her internal deficiencies, such as character, competency, or spirituality.
Admission of having exercised poor judgment or having made a mistake becomes increasingly unlikely. Such an acknowledgment in this charged environment would likely open oneself to attack, embarrassment, and reprisal. Communication breaks down as you verbally attack each other. Researchers have found that by this stage, direct head-to-head confrontations are counter-productive.
Do you need a conflict resolution specialist at this stage?  Definitely!  Go to the Help for Couples page.

My "Face" to Save

The term "face" refers to how a person is viewed by others. As long as you are viewed as respectable and trustworthy, all is well. But when one's image is seriously challenged, expect the conflict to escalate even more. It is like one spouse saying to the other, "I have come to know you better than anyone else on the face of the earth and I can't stand you!" To have one's image challenged so directly is to be attacked on the most personal level.
The attacker seeks to "unmask" the other spouse's true (and despicable) identity. With this new perspective, words or actions that originally were perceived in a positive light are now viewed as part of a larger, deceitful strategy. False motives are attributed throughout.
The conflict is no longer understood in terms of shades of gray. It is perceived in terms of black and white and a battle of good versus evil. To "save face" against such an attack on one's identity, your spouse will respond with an equally ferocious assault of their own. A torrent of negative descriptions will be unleashed, attempting to undercut and discredit their husband or wife. They will label the other as unreasonable, immoral, untrustworthy, mentally unbalanced, and the like. This conclusion then justifies almost any action against their partner, exacerbating the cycle of conflict to dangerous levels.
Do you need a conflict resolution specialist at this stage?  Absolutely!  And don't wait a second longer!!  Go to the Help for Couples page.

The Road to Divorce

Couples become locked in an all-or-nothing battle. The relationship has become unbearable. The perceived solution is either to drive your husband or wife out of the home or leave. Or, the conflict may be so intractable and irrational that one or both of you would rather suffer loss than let the other "win." As one individual soberly described it, "together into the abyss they go." At this stage, would a conflict resolution specialist be of help?  No, it's probably too late. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Tragically, parental conflict and divorce can profoundly affect children's emotional development, often leading to challenges in forming healthy marital relationships of their own.  View this 3 minute PowerPoint presentation entitled, "When Parents Fight Children Suffer."

After the Divorce

Divorce does not mean that the relationship is over. If children are involved, you will be interacting with your ex on a regular basis for years to come. Issues relating to co-parenting may become the new battlefield. You still may benefit from professional help outside the court to find agreement on how the two of you can relate to each other in a non-hostile manner for the sake of your children.