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www.MarriageCounselingAlt.com
I originally wrote this article in 1993, before the advent of the internet. It tells the story of a Christian man who anonymously shared his experience in Leadership Journal.
Tom, a Christian conference speaker and leader, a married man, was away from his wife, sitting alone in his motel room. Flipping through the city's entertainment guide, he repeatedly found himself turning back to the advertisement of an exotic dancer, a past Miss Peach Bowl winner.
At first, he dismissed her show as out of bounds. But the longer he sat around watching TV, the more the image of this strip-tease dancer played upon his mind. “Why not?” he asked himself. A variety of rationalizations bolstered his resolve to go. Before long, Tom found himself in the back seat of a cab headed for the seamy side of town.
The taxi driver dropped him off several blocks from the bar. Given his reputation back home as a Christian leader and happily married family man, Tom wanted to play it safe. Even though he was a stranger in town, he glanced nervously over his shoulder as he walked closer to his destination, and then entered quickly.
Miss Peach Bowl was everything the ad claimed she would be. Tom was captivated as she went through her routine. When he exited the establishment a couple of hours later, everything was same and yet everything had changed. He had crossed a line previously out of bounds. He was still the same person but his perception was now somehow different. And it wasn't long after that he wanted more. He started to regularly frequent strip joints, purchase Playboy and other sexually oriented magazines, was the patronize adult movie theaters, and view live peep shows.
As the seasons came and went, Tom unhappily learned that lust does not fulfill, it “stirs up.” It points in one direction only, downward. There is no returning to a previous level and remaining content. One always wants more. “I no longer wonder how deviants can get into child molesting, masochism, and other abnormalities... Although such acts are incomprehensible to me, I remember well that where I ended up was also incomprehensible to me when I started.”
Though he had attempted to break the habit time and again, he found that he could not go a month or two before he yielded once more. Self-hatred, despair, and guilt grew. Over time, an invisible barrier began to develop between him and his wife, Susan, even in the privacy of their bedroom. Tom's sexual relations with his wife could not compare to the technicolor fantasies into which he had so thoroughly immersed his mind. Tom was like a man craving for salt while dying of thirst.
Finally, after years had passed, two unanticipated events occurred which had a dramatic impact. On previous occasions, when trips brought him to New England, Tom would become invigorated by walks along the coast. He loved the smell of the ocean wind and the sound of the waves breaking upon the rocks. But on this particular occasion, the experience produced no feelings at all. Tom felt dead inside. The seedy images of pornography had become more real to him than life itself. He had reason to look at his life in a way he never did before
Secondly, just three days later, Tom had the opportunity to visit with his friend. Tom felt he had to reveal his burden to someone. Steve was a man he trusted. After a hesitating start, Tom shared the secret side of his life.
Steve's response was totally unanticipated. After Tom finished his story, Steve broke out in an uncontrollable sob. When he finally recovered, Tom learned that his friend was not crying for him, but for himself. Steve was where Tom had been five years earlier and had taken lust to its logical conclusion. Tom reveals, “I will not dwell on sordid details, but my friend had tried it all... He reached inside his vest pocket and pulled out a pad of paper showing the prescriptions he took to fight the venereal disease and... infections he had picked up along the way... I worried about cognitive dissonance; he brooded on suicide. I read about deviance; he performed it. I winced at subtle fissures in my marriage; he was in divorce litigation.”
Tom was shocked but recognized that his friend ended up where his own obsession would likely lead him. Fear gripped him. He desperately wanted out of the downward spiral.
Shortly thereafter, Tom did two things. First, he read a book by Francois Mauriac. Mauriac, a Christian and Nobel prize winner from France, wrote about the depths of human depravity as well as personal purity. As a consequence, Tom was motivated anew to humbly approach God in prayer acknowledging his weakness and the need for His strength to break the vicious cycle that held him. Mauriac reminded his readers of the words of Christ, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. " Tom asked himself, "could He [God] substitute another thirst and another hunger for the one I had never filled?" He was willing to find out.
Tom did something else. One night at home, he confessed to his wife the hidden detours of his life. Recalling that long conversation, Tom related, "Somehow, she incarnated the grace of God for me. " Susan forgave him for the years of her own silent suffering, for the relationship that never fully developed, for the rejection she felt at his need to go elsewhere. But from that point forward, Tom would openly share with Susan every temptation he encountered. His sex life which for so long was experienced in isolation would no longer remain a private matter.
During the next year, Tom fell once - and that only momentarily. He then wrote his story for publication. Five years later, Tom re-read his original article in preparation for a follow-up story. The extent of Tom's spiritual and emotional healing is captured in his extraordinary words, "I had forgotten how completely sex had dominated my life." Christ was true to His promise.
One of the positive aspects of Tom's story is that despite all his years of inner turmoil, he didn't try to redefine morality in order to remove his guilt. Marriages have dissolved because individuals, caught up in their obsessions, have utterly lost their moral compass. As a result, behavior that was once considered wrong no longer produces guilt, so there is none to little restraint. It has been wisely said, "the greatest fault of all is to be conscious of none." But such was not Tom's case.
Tom's recovery came when his sense of right and wrong and self-condemnation were the strongest. He knew what he was doing was wrong and it left him miserable. His sense of morality shouted to him that there was a better, healthier way. Ultimately, it drove him in desperation to beseech the mercy of God with an urgency he never had before.
Since those momentous days, Tom's outlook on life has indeed changed. In his second article written five years later, Tom concluded, "I have only one option: to seek God with all my heart, so that God may continue his process of healing and bring me to sexual fulfillment - at home, with my wife, where I belong."
Guilt is a terrible burden. If you are tired of bearing its weight, consider Christ's invitation, "Come to Me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." As French author E. Guerin discovered generations ago, "When the soul has laid down its faults at the feet of God, it feels as though it had wings."
There are at least four components to Tom’s recovery. The first was fear. Tom was given a rare glimpse of the future when he met with his friend Steve and saw Steve’s debased condition. Second, more than just asking God to help him stop what he was doing, Tom asked God to help him replace what he was doing with something else. Third, Tom confessed his sin to his wife, bringing it out in the open where it lost its power. Fourth, Tom never called evil good.
Though Tom struggled with pornography, do you think that his path to freedom provides a blueprint for overcoming most any habit or addiction? Why or why not?