Fairfax County VA, Loudoun County VA, Herndon, Reston Marriage Counseling Alternative

MarriageCounselingAlt.com

Greetings!  My name is Dr. Ken Newberger.  With a Ph.D. in Conflict Analysis & Resolution, I provide an effective alternative to traditional marriage counseling for Northern VA.  I serve couples in both Fairfax and Loudoun counties from my centrally located office in Reston VA.

My Work with Couples:

1.  uses sophisticated diagnostic tools for accuracy
2.  addresses core issues, not just surface ones
3.  focuses on reconciliation, not treatment
4.  is goal-oriented, not non-directive
5.  provides steps to rebuild your relationship
View Unique Step-by-Step Process

Pulling Back the Curtain
on
Traditional Couple's Counseling

My model represents a huge contrast to conventional marriage counseling where the "therapy hour" typically lasts only 45-50 minutes. For example, one psychologist who works with couples described his in-between time this way:

"During that 10 minutes, I furiously write down notes of the previous session while they are fresh... I then put the file back into my file drawer and prepare the next file for the upcoming session. I also read the notes from the previous session so that I may refresh my memory about issues we are working on, homework assignments, and any other business or therapy items that may need to be considered or discussed. I also straighten up the office from the previous session, remove trash and paperwork, get a bottle of fresh water for my upcoming client, and put the space back to a starting position. But, that isn't all!  This 10 minutes is also the only time I have to use the restroom, have a quick bite to eat, and/or return phone calls, emails, or texts."

I don't think that this frenzied few minutes between sessions serves the needs of anyone, particularly those seeking marriage counseling in Northern VA, including marriage counseling in Fairfax County and marriage counseling in Loudoun County.  It's certainly not how I work with couples.  My approach also differs from the California therapist who said, "45- or 50-minute sessions allow therapists to offer a fresh perspective and remain objective without getting too immersed  in a client’s life" (italics added).  Huh?

Marching to a Different Drummer

In Phase 3 of my process:

drum   My clients probably receive more free time than any northern VA marriage counselor.  I typically spend an hour or more, not just 10 minutes, to prepare for your upcoming session.
drum   My session hour means a full 60 minutes, not a deflated 45-50 minute "therapy hour."
drum   Before each meeting ends, I will assign specific activities for you to work on together to improve your relationship.
drum   After the session, I often times type up and email you a summary of the action items we discussed, along with any relevant attachments to help you stay focused until we meet again.
drum   Because my commitment to each couple is so time-consuming, I am more limited in how many clients I can work with.  But should we work together, you can rest assured that you will get the depth of attention your relationship requires.
Digging Deeper

Traditional Marriage Counseling

vs.
Dr. Newberger's Framework

You May Be Surprised to Learn that in a survey of marriage therapists, over 60 percent said they were neutral about whether a couple stays married or gets divorced. Only one-third agreed with the statement, "I am committed to preserving marriage and avoiding divorce whenever possible." This philosophy has enormous implications for marriage counseling in Loudoun County and Fairfax County, especially if you have children (click the link to watch 3 min. video below).

Take the case of Stephanie and Max. They were seeking help to heal their strained relationship. Stephanie reveals, "We were looking for someone to work with us on a specific plan for our marriage. Instead, we got a totally neutral counselor who didn't seem to care whether or not our marriage survived. We weren't neutral about wanting to save our marriage, he was."

Clinical psychologist Willard F. Harley, Jr. noted, "People who seek help from marriage counselors usually assume that the goal of therapy is saving the marriage. Unfortunately, most marital therapists are specifically trained to be non-directive or neutral. They see themselves as someone couples can talk to, but not someone who will coach them into changes that will ultimately save their marriage." Yet evidence suggests that if marriage counseling does not incorporate the goal of relationship improvement, the likelihood of divorce increases. If northern VA marriage counselors, Fairfax County couples counselors, or Loudoun County marriage therapists do not incorporate the goal of relationship improvement, the likelihood of a divorce among their clients increases.

Finding the Most Effective Professional.  To find the right couples counselor, ask about their philosophy and approach before committing to their process. What role does this person intend to play? Is the marriage therapist goal-oriented? Is the couple's counselor willing to fight for your relationship? Do they look to reveal core issues and not just the surface conflict arising from them? Is a couple’s reconciliation at the heart of what they do? Author Jim Kinnison notes, "Simply being licensed by a government is no guarantee marriage counselors have any wisdom or ability to help correct any but the most superficial problems in a relationship."

Marriage counselor Michele Weiner-Davis, therefore, advises, "Put a great deal of effort into finding a therapist who will support both you and your marriage." Marriage counselor and infidelity expert Dr. Shirley Glass advises those already seeing a professional, "If your therapist just sits back and watches your exchanges without providing any structure or direction, it may be time for a change."

The lesson to be learned here is that if there is no explicit goal of rebuilding the relationship at the beginning of the process, disappointment will likely be experienced at the end. Such was the case for Stephanie and Max. They ended up getting divorced.

An Approach that Works.  I distinguish myself from conventional marriage therapists and mental health counselors. At the core, I am a conflict resolution specialist who proactively helps couples enjoy a deeper level of peace and harmony with each other. As the architect of the "Reconciliation Model of Peacemaking," I use a mediatorial framework that is not about assigning psychiatric labels or developing "treatment" plans. It is about getting to know who you are as a whole person, understanding your perspective, addressing your core issues as a couple, and fostering reconnection. In a sense, the relationship is my client. Whatever is best for the relationship is what I promote.

Regarding my approach, one unsolicited observer seeking couples counseling wrote: "We went to a therapist yesterday. However, she didn't offer anything constructive for us to do in order to better our relationship. She stated the obvious. That was why when I saw your plan it was refreshing since it has actual steps for a couple to take."  I might add, if you need a professional that respects and/or incorporates your religious beliefs into the process, particularly in the case of Jewish or Christian marriage counseling (given my own background), I can help.

Added Bonus. Psychologist and family therapist, Cloe Madanes, wrote about an often-forgotten truth. "Through the ages we have known about the importance of having a mentor, guide, or teacher in order to succeed... The same applies to relationships." Her advice? "If you want to have a happy, successful relationship, model yourself on those who do."  Being happily married to Mary for over 45 years, I will share personal insights along the way intended to help the two of you experience the same kind of beautiful relationship we have long enjoyed.

Conflict in Marriage

INTRODUCTION

There are at least two ways to tell that things have deteriorated in your relationship.  The first is the speed by which full-blown conflict emerges.  Arguments can go from 0 to 100 in minutes, if not seconds.  To see how this pattern can quickly play out, read the dialogue in this scene from the movie, "The Details."  This argument took less than 1½ minutes to go from calm to full-blown screaming.

The 8 Stages of Marital Conflict

A second way to determine how much damage unresolved conflict has hurt your relationship is to notice where your interactions fall within the stages of marital conflict described below. Once you realize that the issues in your marriage are not going away, the sooner you seek help, the better your chances are for resolving them.


Stage 1
Stage 1 of Marital Conflict, Uncomfortable Feeling

There is an Uncomfortable Feeling

Something doesn't feel right with your spouse. You may not be able to put your finger on it but you feel ill at ease. Do you need a Reston marriage counseling or Herndon marriage counseling at this stage? No.


Stage 2
Stage 2 A Problem in the Marriage Emerges, Uncomfortable Feeling

A Problem in the Marriage Emerges

An identifiable problem has emerged and dealing with it is the focus. You are each civil and respectful as you share your perspectives. Solutions are proposed and, in most instances, issues are resolved. Do you need Vienna VA marriage counseling or Fairfax marriage counseling at this stage? No.


Stage 3
Stage 3 Couple Money Issues

Disagreements Within the Marriage Increase

If the issue is not resolved, the conversation changes from what is the best solution to a debate of who is right and who is wrong. Dissatisfaction and hurt feelings mount because the attempt to have your needs met is undermined by your spouse. This includes the need of feeling more secure in the marriage. If each of you makes an effort to see the other's point of view, the conversation will be constructive. On the other hand, if the matter is not resolved, the conversation can deteriorate and put a strain on the relationship. Do you need specialized Ashburn marriage counseling or Leesburg marriage counseling at this stage? Possibly!


Stage 4
Stage 4 Couple Money Issues

Attitude Hardens

Positive feelings wane. Other issues may emerge or re-emerge and make matters worse. The two of you begin to communicate less to each other and more about each other with those who sympathize with you (i.e. other family members or friends). This will likely increase the polarization both of you are feeling. And while there may not be an intent to hurt your spouse, this may still be the outcome. Since the immediate goal is to win the argument, there is less concern about how this impacts the other. As one spouse seeks to win, the other spouse feels disrespected and unloved.

One wife explained her experience this way... "and when sex didn't work, we argued about sex, and then we argued about our arguments, and then we began to layer resentment on top of resentment." Do you need specialized Oakton marriage counseling or South Riding at this stage?Yes!


Stage 5
Stage 5 Couple Arguing on Street

Arguments Include Personal Attacks Against Your Spouse

You now feel alienated from one another as an emotional barrier goes up. Original issues become secondary. At this stage, the problem in the marriage is no longer identified as "communication" or some other issue. Your husband/wife is the problem. An adversarial "me versus you" mentality sets in. Negative emotions take root. Selective perception fuels negative stereotyping. Your spouse can more easily be "written-off" as _____ (fill in the blank).

You view the other through an increasingly narrow filter of suspicion, exaggeration, and misperception. You justify your own less than ideal behavior as reactions to your partner or circumstances. By contrast, your partner's actions are attributed to his or her internal deficiencies, such as character, competency, or spirituality.

Admission of having exercised poor judgment or having made a mistake becomes increasingly unlikely. Such an acknowledgment in this charged environment would likely open oneself to embarrassment, further criticism, and reprisal. Communication breaks down as you verbally attack each other. Researchers have found that by this stage, direct head-to-head confrontations are counter-productive. Do you need specialized Centreville marriage counseling or Fairfax Station marriage counseling at this stage? Definitely!


Stage 6
Stage 6 Furious Woman

My "Face" to Save

The term "face" refers to how a person is viewed by others. As long as you are viewed as respectable and trustworthy, all is well. But when one's image is seriously challenged by your husband or wife, expect the conflict to escalate even further. It is like one spouse saying to the other, "I have come to know you better than anyone else on the face of the earth and I can't stand you!" To have one's image challenged is to be attacked on a very personal level.

The attacker seeks to "unmask" the other spouse's true (and despicable) identity. With this new perspective, words or actions that originally were perceived in a positive light are now viewed as part of a larger, deceitful strategy. False motives are attributed throughout.

The conflict is no longer understood in terms of shades of gray. It is perceived in terms of black and white and a battle of good versus evil. To "save face" against such an attack on one's identity, your marital mate will respond with an equally ferocious assault of their own. A torrent of negative descriptions will be unleashed, attempting to undercut and discredit their husband or wife. They will label the other as unreasonable, immoral, untrustworthy, mentally unbalanced, and the like.

This conclusion then justifies almost any action against their partner, exacerbating the cycle of conflict to dangerous levels. Do you need specialized Brambleton marriage counseling or Broadlands marriage counseling at this stage? Absolutely! And don't wait a second longer!!


Stage 7
Stage 7 At Lawyers Office

The Road to Divorce

Couples become locked in an all-or-nothing battle. The relationship has become unbearable. The perceived solution is either to drive your husband or wife out of the home or leave. Or, the conflict may be so intractable and irrational that one or both of you would rather suffer loss than let the other "win."

As one individual soberly described it, "together into the abyss they go." Tragically, if there are children involved, you take them with you causing them emotional damage that can last a lifetime.
At this stage, would a northern VA marriage counselor be of help? No, it's probably too late.


Stage 8
Stage 8 After the Divorce

After the Divorce

Divorce does not mean that the relationship is over. If children are involved, you will interact with your ex regularly for years. Issues relating to co-parenting may become the new battlefield. You may benefit from the help a northern VA marriage mediator can provide to find agreement on how the two of you can peacefully relate to each other for the sake of your children.

SUMMARY

Burnt Toast
Two intensifying processes take place over time. It begins with (1) an increasing frustration over some issue that is not being resolved, including not having one's needs met. As a result, (2) there is an increasingly negative perception of your spouse. Your husband or your wife is the problem with your marriage.

Interrupt the Cycle

Stop Conflict

There comes the point when trying to resolve marital conflict on your own is counterproductive. Don't wait to take action. Given the escalating stages of conflict, the sooner you begin working on resolving conflict in your marriage, the better! Don't be like the man who wrote to me at the demise of his marriage, "I wish we had seen you much sooner."  To read about my alternative approach to traditional marriage counseling for Northern VA, click the "View the Step-by-Step Process" box below.