HOW CAN A SHARED VISION TRANSFORM YOUR MARRIAGE?
During the summer of 1954, Muzafer Sherif and his colleagues conducted what is now seen as a classic social experiment in conflict resolution. He took 22 eleven-year-old boys who attended a three-week sleep away summer camp, and divided them into two groups. During stage one, each group of boys, unaware of the other’s existence, had an opportunity to build positive relationships with one another. During stage two, the two groups were brought into reciprocally frustrating contact for the sole purpose of creating competition, antagonism, and conflict between the two groups of boys (the Rattlers and Eagles). Members of each group were unified in their dislike for the other group, and engaged in acts of hostility against the other (e.g. name-calling, burning of the other group’s flag, raiding and ransacking the other’s cabin and stealing items, and even fighting. Experimenters had to intervene on more than one occasion). During the third and final stage, various attempts were made to reduce the conflict and build cooperative and harmonious relations between the two groups and among all the boys regardless of which group they were in.
Initially, nothing worked, which worried the experimenters. Finally, Sherif and his team created harmony through the introduction of “superordinate goals.” These are goals which are critically important to members of two groups in conflict, but which cannot be attained by either side alone. To reach these goals both sides need to work together.
In stage three of the camp study, breakdowns with the water system, the truck that delivered food, and the need of money contributions for an onsite movie, and the like, were staged in such a way that required a collective effort by both groups to solve the predicament or obtain what was wanted. The impact of each successful joint venture was cumulative. As the successes began to pile up, “the change in behavior and patterns of interaction between the groups was striking to all observers.” The boys among both groups became friends. Sherif summarized, “When a state of interdependence between groups was produced for the attainment of superordinate goals, the groups realistically faced common problems. They took them up as common problems, jointly moving toward their solution, preceding to plan and to execute the plans which they had jointly envisaged.”
The interdependence that developed between the two groups of boys at camp was based on a shared vision of what could be with each other’s help. The boys found a common problem/enemy that they had to work together to overcome. Adversaries were transformed into friends because what united them was stronger than what divided them.
This Same Principle Applies to Marriage
Ask: "What common vision can we share? What is it that should unite us? What goal do we both want to achieve that is greater than our differences? Providing for your children, emotionally and physically, is one such greater goal. Uniting against the financial ruin that divorce often causes is another. Living healthier, happier, and longer lives (benefits of a strong marriage as demonstrated by numerous studies) is a third. The point is, if a couple can identify an overarching vision of good, differences are more likely to take a back seat. Superordinate goals can help transform your conflicted marriage into a harmonious one.
This is why the the right kind of Potomac marriage counseling is so important. Dr. Newberger, whose Reston VA office is less than a ½ hour away from Potomac, stands ready to help you improve communication, resolve sensitive marital issues, rebuild your emotional bond, and live in peace. Call him today, without charge, to discuss your situation.
