Chapter 15
The Escalating Stages of Marital Conflict
There are at least two ways to tell that things have deteriorated in your relationship.
The First indicator is the speed at which full-blown conflict emerges. Arguments escalate very quickly, in minutes if not seconds. To see how this pattern can play out, read the dialogue from a scene in the movie, The Details. This argument took less than 1½ minutes to go from calm to a full-blown screaming match.
Read the scene (printable PDF) or watch the scene. BE WARNED: the clip contains repeated profanity.
Lesson: If your arguments keep running down the same track, they can pick up speed as fast as the one in that scene. Once that pattern sets in, most couples can't undo it on their own. That's when getting professional help can make all the difference.
The Second way to tell is to look at the nature of the conflict itself. Where do your interactions fall within the stages of marital conflict below?
Stage 1
There Is an Uncomfortable Feeling
Something doesn't feel right with your spouse. You may not be able to put your finger on it, but you feel ill at ease.
Do you need a conflict resolution specialist at this stage? No.
Stage 2
A Problem in the Marriage Emerges
An identifiable problem has emerged. You are civil and respectful toward one another as you share your respective perspectives. Solutions are proposed and, in most instances, issues are resolved.
Do you need a conflict resolution specialist at this stage? No.
Stage 3
Disagreements Within the Marriage Increase
If the issue is not resolved, the conversation shifts from what is the best solution to a debate of who is right and who is wrong. This dynamic can escalate dissatisfaction and emotional hurt, as attempts to meet your own needs fail. If you each make an effort to accommodate the other's point of view, the conversation will likely be constructive. If not, you will see each other as stubborn or unreasonable, further straining the relationship.
Do you need a conflict resolution specialist at this stage? Possibly.
Stage 4
Attitude Hardens
As positive feelings fade, other issues surface, worsening the situation. Communication shifts from open dialogue with your spouse to complaining to other people about your spouse, deepening the division and polarization. Though it may be unintentional, the focus on "winning" creates feelings of disrespect and disconnection, intensifying the conflict.
Do you need a conflict resolution specialist at this stage? Yes! View Dr. Newberger's process page to see what's involved.
Stage 5
Arguments Include Personal Attacks
You now feel alienated from one another as walls go up. Original issues become secondary. At this stage, the problem is no longer identified as a "communication" or some other issue. Rather, your husband or wife is "the" problem. An adversarial "me versus you" mentality sets in. Negative emotions take root. Selective perception fuels negative stereotyping. Your spouse can more easily be "written off" as _____ (fill in the blank).
You view the other through an increasingly narrow filter of suspicion, exaggeration, and misperception. You justify your own less than ideal behavior as reactions to your partner or circumstances. By contrast, your partner's actions are attributed to his or her internal deficiencies, such as character, competency, or spirituality.
Admission of having exercised poor judgment or having made a mistake becomes increasingly unlikely. Such an acknowledgment in this charged environment would likely open oneself to attack, embarrassment, and reprisal. Communication breaks down as you verbally attack each other. Researchers have found that by this stage, direct head-to-head confrontations are counter-productive.
Do you need a conflict resolution specialist at this stage? Definitely! Go to the process of reconciliation page.
Stage 6
My "Face" to Save
The term "face" refers to how a person is viewed by others. As long as you are viewed as respectable and trustworthy, all is well. But when one's image is seriously challenged, expect the conflict to escalate even more. It is like one spouse saying to the other, "I have come to know you better than anyone else on the face of the earth and I can't stand you!" To have one's image challenged so directly is to be attacked on the most personal level.
The attacker seeks to "unmask" the other spouse's true (and despicable) identity. With this new perspective, words or actions that originally were perceived in a positive light are now viewed as part of a larger, deceitful strategy. False motives are attributed throughout.
The conflict is no longer understood in terms of shades of gray. It is perceived in terms of black and white and a battle of good versus evil. To "save face" against such an attack on one's identity, your spouse will respond with an equally ferocious assault of their own. A torrent of negative descriptions will be unleashed, attempting to undercut and discredit their husband or wife. They will label the other as unreasonable, immoral, untrustworthy, mentally unbalanced, and the like. This conclusion then justifies almost any action against their partner, exacerbating the cycle of conflict to dangerous levels.
Do you need a conflict resolution specialist at this stage? Absolutely! And don't wait a second longer!! Go to the process of reconciliation page.
Stage 7
The Road to Divorce
Couples become locked in an all-or-nothing battle. The relationship has become unbearable. The perceived solution is either to drive your husband or wife out of the home or leave. Or, the conflict may be so intractable and irrational that one or both of you would rather suffer loss than let the other "win." As one individual soberly described it, "together into the abyss they go."
At this stage, would a conflict resolution specialist be of help? No. It is too late to make a difference.
Tragically, parental conflict and divorce can profoundly affect children's emotional development, often leading to challenges in forming healthy marital relationships of their own. View this three-minute presentation entitled "When Parents Fight Children Suffer." Don't let your relationship deteriorate to this point. Take preemptive action.
Stage 8
After the Divorce
Divorce does not mean that the relationship is over. If children are involved, you will be interacting with your ex on a regular basis for years to come. Issues relating to co-parenting may become the new battlefield. You still may benefit from professional help outside the court to find agreement on how the two of you can relate to each other in a non-hostile manner for the sake of your children.
Summary
Two intensifying processes develop over time. First, there is a growing sense of frustration when differences in opinion are not resolved and personal needs are consistently unmet. As this frustration builds, it gives way to a second process: a shift in perception, where one begins to see their spouse more negatively. Instead of viewing the problem as something between you, your spouse becomes the problem.
Consequently, there comes a time when trying to resolve these issues on your own is not only pointless, but counter-productive. When your problems don't go away, you need to take positive action. If you are unable to make the repair on your own, then professional help should be sought. Don't wait until it is too late!
Key Takeaways
- Marital conflict escalates in a predictable pattern, moving from a vague uneasy feeling to hardened attitudes, personal attacks, and finally the road to divorce.
- Two forces drive the slide: mounting frustration when needs go unmet, and a shift in perception where your spouse stops being your partner and becomes "the problem."
- The window for help has limits. Act while there is still time, because once conflict runs too long, it is often too late to make a difference.
Questions to Consider
- Which stage best describes where your marriage is right now?
- When you disagree, is the goal still finding the best solution, or has it become proving who is right?
- Have you started complaining about your spouse to other people instead of talking things through with your spouse?
- What might it cost you to keep waiting, and what would it cost to take action today?
What to Do Now
- Locate your stage. Read back through the stages and honestly mark where your marriage sits today.
- Act before things harden. Through the early stages you can often work it out on your own. By the middle stages, professional help becomes vital. This is the time to act.
Struggling in your marriage? There is hope.
Call Dr. Ken Newberger at 703-483-0031 to talk about your situation free of charge. Or, if you prefer, learn about his unique process.