My Situation
My biggest marital issue is how I communicate with my wife (or more accurately, don’t communicate with her). The fact is we are unable to work through virtually any issue. Every disagreement follows one of two patterns: (1) I do something or say something to her to which she takes offense. She gets defensive and angry and I apologize. (2) She does or says something wrong. I get frustrated. But then she gets angry at me for being upset with her. I feel compelled to apologize again if I want to end the argument. Either way, she’s right and I’m wrong.
Bottom line, she takes things way too personally and I am not being respected for what I bring to the relationship. This is not what I want from my marriage. If I have an issue, I want to be able to talk and to communicate it with my spouse. I want to be able to say, for example, “The way we handle our finances isn’t working. Let’s sit down, create a budget, and stick to it.” But this simple statement is met with, “so you think I’m bad with money? Well fine, keep your money. I’ll just leave.” That is not at all what I stated or meant. Yet we argue about how she interpreted what I said. We then go to our separate corners, and nothing is resolved.
We have never been able to discuss anything of importance like two rational adults because my wife’s reaction is always the same. “You think I’m ____ [fill in the blank with a negative word]. I guess I am not good enough for you.” She then yells at me, cries, or storms off. She personalizes having a discussion about money, sex, dirty dishes, etc. as if I am attacking her personally and I am not. Aren’t I allowed to express my thoughts so that they are heard and properly understood? Isn't marriage supposed to be a two-way street?
On the Surface
Not knowing what else to do, I recently decided to accept my wife’s sensitivity for what it is and become a better husband. Maybe if she saw my efforts to accommodate her needs, she would do the same for me. I am doing more around the house to keep it clean. I try to speak her “love languages.” I surprise her with gifts I know she likes. And if there is a disagreement, I do not challenge her. I stuff my thoughts and feelings and do not say anything that might make her feel bad about herself.
Today, everything looks fine on the surface. No one has a clue that there is a problem. Same with my wife. If you were to ask her, she would tell you that our family is doing great. She sends me text messages about how much she loves me and how happy she is, how the sex we have is awesome. (It isn’t. It’s uninspiring). On paper, I should be happy. She makes great meals. We have a beautiful home. We regularly socialize with friends. She makes sure all our growing kids are involved in extra-curricular activities, all for Facebook validation. Meanwhile, I can’t but help feel that I am a cardboard cut-out “husband” who plays a part in her perfect picture to the world. For her, as long as it looks good, it is good. As long as I don’t point out any flaws in her thinking or behavior, there are none.
The Real Unhappy Me
Yet my deep dissatisfaction has not gone away. The only difference between now and then is I’ve stopped complaining about things. It’s been many months since I’ve tried to talk to my wife about subjects important to me. Such endeavors are a waste of time and energy.
What no one knows is, I am incredibly unhappy. I go to bed miserable. I get out of bed miserable. I feel more like doormat than ever before.
If she is not willing to get professional help for herself or participate in couple's counseling, I will consider divorce. Everyone who knows us would be shocked. I do not want to hurt my kids. And for them, I may stick it out until they graduate high school. But life too short to make as my primary goal, “putting up with my wife.”
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If you are struggling with communication in your marriage or an entirely different one, view my process for helping couples rebuild their marriages. Go to:
www.MarriageCounselingAlt.com/couples.htm. Then phone me, Dr. Ken Newberger, to discuss your situation without charge.
